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[Bob The Smoker]

I never thought I would see the day that my hands consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

[Bentley]

Another classic right there...

[Bar-B-Lew]

Not sure if these are actually humorous or just, plain accurate:

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
 
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
 
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
 
Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom.
 
PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
 
I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
 
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
 
So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
 
Quarantine Day 9: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
 
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
 
Day 9 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
 
I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
 
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

You must be on the same email distribution list as my buddy who sent this to me a few hours ago.

[GREG-B]

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[GREG-B]

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[ofelles]

Just found out the answer!

1 person coughs and 100 people xxxx their pants. = No TP in stores.

[urnmor]

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
>>>
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
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Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
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Day 4 – 8:00 pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
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Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
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Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
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Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
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Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”.
      You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.  I have No clue how this place is still in business.
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Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
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Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
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>>> Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the xxxx do you want now?”
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Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
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Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

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Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.

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Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?   When is this going to end???

[Gringo]

This one made me laugh out loud.

[GREG-B]

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[Trooper]

Technically speaking, it is now completely permissible to wear a mask and gloves into a bank.

[ofelles]

Tropper  I don't think you will have any problem being first in line for that!

[urnmor]

So How will you end up?

[Bentley]

I am already A,B,D & F, can't get C and am always E!

[Brushpopper]

I'll be A, B, E and F.  We can't be C and I have a hard time getting D.  And E is almost here, but it comes and goes.  It was close to 90 yesterday and in the  mid-60's now.  Gotta love the Texas Springtime weather roller coaster.

[urnmor]

This just might be me if I stay home much longer